you never know what's on the other side of obedience

i was talking with a friend today and she said this simple statement: you never know what is on the other side of obedience.

i was wrestling with a situation, yet we were talking about something completely unrelated when this statement came up. she was eluding to profit yet in my situation, i am finding pain on the other side.

Cause isn't it awesome when God asks you do to something and even though the thought of it freaks you out, you trust that God is good. Shadrach, Meshach and Abendnego stepped into an incinerator in obedience. And God protected them for His glory.

But what about Job? He was obedient and suffered.... hardcore suffered. and in the big picture, we can see why. Job's faith was refined to a whole new level. God is on that other side of our obedience working all things for good.

Praise God, He is with us on that other side. wait, even better, He is sovereign over the other side. this pain sucks. i felt prompted so speak to someone, so i did. i was trembling but want more for this person. i'm not gonna lie- i feel like i've been slapped in the face. and maybe that's in part due to sin on my part.

so what if profit was on the other side of my pain? would i be crying out to God to search my heart? would i be clinging to Him to do big things in the middle of this? sadly, i'd probably be taking the credit.

i am not ultimately responsible for the outcome; but i am responsible for the obedience. Praise God He is bigger than me and assures me that He has big plans for me.

Pain is temporary, but obedience is eternal :-)

daughter of a warrior king

it's like she's tryna make up for what she ain't but/ she's a saint/ but so confused/ cause she's been rejected by all these dudes/ that tell her on a scale of 10 she's a two/ but that ain't true if she only knew/ In Christ she is loved she secure and accepted/ She'll never be rejected by God who's elected her/ Her beauty is her Godliness/ and she ain't gotta try to flaunt it cause it's obvious/ Identity is found in the God we trust/ Any other identity will self destruct - Identity lyrics by Lecrae

i've been wrestling with this idea of identity for the past couple of months... it's not a matter of not knowing who i am or what i believe in. but rather, i see that i find my identity is so much less than what it truly is.

for so long, i would think of my identity as the single, good-girl who had a couple prodigal years and has struggled with eating disorders. yeah, i saw that there were a couple other ways to describe me, but that pretty much encompassed who i saw myself as. they were measurements of things that i'd accomplished or reminders of perceived failures. i desired to be married, to be skinny and to be looked to as a strong individual that could be looked up to.

but as God's been showing me this idea of identity, it's forced me to rethink a LOT. if my identity is purely as a precious daughter of God and all the other false identities will self-destruct, then i am no longer defined by anything less.

and while thinking about this, i remember something i read over the summer:

"When a certain set of desires rules our hearts, we reduce prayer to the menu of human desire. Worse, we shrink God from his position of all-wise, all-loving, all-powerful Father to a divine waiter we expect to deliver everything we ask. But God will not shrink to this size. He will only be our Father and King, who "satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's" (Ps 103:5). He knows what is best, and he will not let there be peace until he alone controls our hearts. He is a Warrior King, who will not rest when we are captive to other kings. He fights for us, the thoughts and desires of our hearts." -Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands

so not only is my identity purely as a daughter of God, but He is fighting for my heart! He's fighting FOR ME?

i see such an unbelievable picture of grace in all this. and it makes me smile.

the party is over.

so i initially wrote today's blog with sadness... after being surrounded by people for weeks and celebrating my birthday many times, everyone has gone home and i'm by myself in my apartment thinking about what it looks like to get back to real life... and honestly not being real excited. just about everything that i was anticipating has now happened and i'm left with laundry and dishes to clean up.

and someone just reminded me that i'm not alone in this. God is with me. so what does that look like? i think the first thing that makes me think of is His purpose for my life. He has purpose for me TODAY and tomorrow and the day after. and maybe some of that purpose it to reflect a bit today... to take some time to rest in Him.

i knew that going to greece and israel would change me. and i also knew that i wouldn't know how until i got back. so i'm thinking about what's different. i think i'm inspired by reality. that sounds kind of funny probably. seeing the reality of the via delarosa or the remains of corinth or the wind on the sea of galilee is like God telling me "i am real. i have a plan that i've been working on for eternity. and i will use you in it." it was like connecting to history made my present real. i want to love people harder. i want to breathe in each moment with the same awe as i did in israel, because PRAISE GOD, He is the same here in my little apartment as He is in the Holy Land.

to be continued as i continue to process...

true life

i truly didn't intend to go this long without blogging... and then it became overwhelming to think about writing all that's been going on.

HOWEVER, even if it's short, i want to begin blogging my thoughts about greece and israel before i get wrapped up in life again.

i think that's why i couldn't sleep last night... i'm afraid the further away from the trip i get, the more i'll forget. and i don't want to forget a moment of it. i was insanely blessed to be surrounded with people that love the same God i do- so if i never see them again, i will spend eternity in heaven, worshipping alongside of them.

which makes me even more glad that my identity is in Christ. i don't need to make a pilgrimage to israel to experience God or to be close to Him. and i think that's what i want to really process through. i was surrounded by a group of people that didn't know anything about me, so who did they see? as i was tempted to believe insecure lies about myself, where did i run? and as i see people clinging to religion, is my faith living, active and humbly dependent on the the grace of the God?

i'm grateful that God's been patiently showing me that i am His precious daughter and that alone pleases Him. being at the jordan river where Christ was baptized, made me think about God the Father saying "this is my son, with whom i am well please" and yet Jesus hadn't done anything yet.

before i went to israel, i had no idea what to expect. and in my mind, all i pictured was dry, dead, old things. and quite honestly, that's much of what i saw!

praise Jesus for the abundant life He has given me.

I am His and He is mine...

roller coasters...

you know that when you get on a roller coaster, you're gonna be freaked out. and you're gonna scream. and maybe even throw your arms up to make it that much more terrifying. but i still LOVE roller coasters. i even occasionally have a fear that the car is going to fall off the tracks. but i still chose to ride them whenever possible cause the journey is worth the fear.

and maybe it's the thrill that keeps me coming back. i have a trust that the car won't fall off the tracks. so i throw my arms in the air and smile through my terrified screams.

the past couple of days have felt like a roller coaster and the ride's not over yet.

i have been applying for jobs and checking out new places to live and every time i get excited about one, it falls through. but i continue to ride. i go from moments of peace and trust knowing that God will provide, to moments of fear that my life won't work out.

and even as i type that, i realize how RIDICULOUS that is! "my life won't work out"??? really? okay, so maybe that's not the fear. maybe it's more of a disappointment that i've told God exactly what i think my life should look like, and He's clearly indicating He has a different path. wow. even that's ridiculous. i have a better plan than the creator of the universe? hmmmm. yikes. if left to my own abilities, my roller coaster car WOULD fall off the tracks...

so i find myself excitedly throwing my arms in the air, all the while scared of the unknown twists and turns. still smiling, occasionally slowly chugging up a big hill and other times, racing along the tracks so quickly you get bugs in your teeth.

but i'm gonna fight to trust the creator of the roller coaster. the sustainer of the roller coaster. and a God who loves me so much, He gave me roller coasters to enjoy.

In the Beginning...

...God created the heavens and the earth.

that was quite a bit to do on Day 1.

It's somewhat of Day 1 for me... Day 1 of a new season of my life. I recently quit my job as it required a weekly commute from my home in Seattle to a hotel in San Diego.

So now I find myself, about to turn 30, with my life shaken like an etch-a-sketch... almost completely blank screen, looking with anticipation towards the new picture to be created.

Over the next couple of months, I have some incredible adventures planned, but many more will pop up on a semi-regular basis, as I look for adventure. Which is exactly why I knew I needed to begin blogging today.

It's my Day 1.

even if nobody ever reads this, I'll put my thoughts and experiences down so that I can look back and track the adventure God is outlining in my life.

plus now that I'm unemployed, theoretically I have time to do things like blog... oh, and there will be pictures too. adventures must have pictures. and a FunnyBerger is always prepared with a camera.