daughter of a warrior king

it's like she's tryna make up for what she ain't but/ she's a saint/ but so confused/ cause she's been rejected by all these dudes/ that tell her on a scale of 10 she's a two/ but that ain't true if she only knew/ In Christ she is loved she secure and accepted/ She'll never be rejected by God who's elected her/ Her beauty is her Godliness/ and she ain't gotta try to flaunt it cause it's obvious/ Identity is found in the God we trust/ Any other identity will self destruct - Identity lyrics by Lecrae

i've been wrestling with this idea of identity for the past couple of months... it's not a matter of not knowing who i am or what i believe in. but rather, i see that i find my identity is so much less than what it truly is.

for so long, i would think of my identity as the single, good-girl who had a couple prodigal years and has struggled with eating disorders. yeah, i saw that there were a couple other ways to describe me, but that pretty much encompassed who i saw myself as. they were measurements of things that i'd accomplished or reminders of perceived failures. i desired to be married, to be skinny and to be looked to as a strong individual that could be looked up to.

but as God's been showing me this idea of identity, it's forced me to rethink a LOT. if my identity is purely as a precious daughter of God and all the other false identities will self-destruct, then i am no longer defined by anything less.

and while thinking about this, i remember something i read over the summer:

"When a certain set of desires rules our hearts, we reduce prayer to the menu of human desire. Worse, we shrink God from his position of all-wise, all-loving, all-powerful Father to a divine waiter we expect to deliver everything we ask. But God will not shrink to this size. He will only be our Father and King, who "satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's" (Ps 103:5). He knows what is best, and he will not let there be peace until he alone controls our hearts. He is a Warrior King, who will not rest when we are captive to other kings. He fights for us, the thoughts and desires of our hearts." -Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands

so not only is my identity purely as a daughter of God, but He is fighting for my heart! He's fighting FOR ME?

i see such an unbelievable picture of grace in all this. and it makes me smile.

the party is over.

so i initially wrote today's blog with sadness... after being surrounded by people for weeks and celebrating my birthday many times, everyone has gone home and i'm by myself in my apartment thinking about what it looks like to get back to real life... and honestly not being real excited. just about everything that i was anticipating has now happened and i'm left with laundry and dishes to clean up.

and someone just reminded me that i'm not alone in this. God is with me. so what does that look like? i think the first thing that makes me think of is His purpose for my life. He has purpose for me TODAY and tomorrow and the day after. and maybe some of that purpose it to reflect a bit today... to take some time to rest in Him.

i knew that going to greece and israel would change me. and i also knew that i wouldn't know how until i got back. so i'm thinking about what's different. i think i'm inspired by reality. that sounds kind of funny probably. seeing the reality of the via delarosa or the remains of corinth or the wind on the sea of galilee is like God telling me "i am real. i have a plan that i've been working on for eternity. and i will use you in it." it was like connecting to history made my present real. i want to love people harder. i want to breathe in each moment with the same awe as i did in israel, because PRAISE GOD, He is the same here in my little apartment as He is in the Holy Land.

to be continued as i continue to process...

true life

i truly didn't intend to go this long without blogging... and then it became overwhelming to think about writing all that's been going on.

HOWEVER, even if it's short, i want to begin blogging my thoughts about greece and israel before i get wrapped up in life again.

i think that's why i couldn't sleep last night... i'm afraid the further away from the trip i get, the more i'll forget. and i don't want to forget a moment of it. i was insanely blessed to be surrounded with people that love the same God i do- so if i never see them again, i will spend eternity in heaven, worshipping alongside of them.

which makes me even more glad that my identity is in Christ. i don't need to make a pilgrimage to israel to experience God or to be close to Him. and i think that's what i want to really process through. i was surrounded by a group of people that didn't know anything about me, so who did they see? as i was tempted to believe insecure lies about myself, where did i run? and as i see people clinging to religion, is my faith living, active and humbly dependent on the the grace of the God?

i'm grateful that God's been patiently showing me that i am His precious daughter and that alone pleases Him. being at the jordan river where Christ was baptized, made me think about God the Father saying "this is my son, with whom i am well please" and yet Jesus hadn't done anything yet.

before i went to israel, i had no idea what to expect. and in my mind, all i pictured was dry, dead, old things. and quite honestly, that's much of what i saw!

praise Jesus for the abundant life He has given me.

I am His and He is mine...